The Vulture

The vulture is a friendly bird. Most people don’t know this.

Most people, when they meet a vulture, take one look at its long, crooked neck and claws, and they think, ‘Eeek! Must be a bad guy!’

OK, it’s true that vultures eat people. If they’re dead. This is because they think dead people don’t really mind being eaten. And also they like to keep the desert clean.

But they are always helpful, even so.  If they find a kidney donor card on someone they are eating, they’ll carry his kidneys in their beaks all the way to the nearest hospital. This is very thoughtful of them. It’s just sad that they are so misunderstood.

There was once a man who got lost in the desert. It was totally his fault because he wouldn’t ask for directions. His car ran out of petrol, so he took his phone (which had GPS) and his survival pack and he set off on foot, looking for a town or a hotel or an oasis.

What he found was sand and a few dead trees. Sitting in one of the trees was…

‘Eeek!’ said the man. ‘A vulture!’

‘Good morning,’ said the vulture. ‘Can I help you?’

‘Eeek!’ said the man again, and ran off.

He ran a long way. He got thirsty, and worried that the vultures might be watching him.  The one he had seen had had a nasty, sharp-looking beak.

He met a peacock with a shining blue front and a big green tail.

‘Mmm,’ said the peacock. ‘Am I beautiful, do you think?’

‘Very,’ said the man. ‘Can you direct me to an oasis?’

‘Tell me again how beautiful I am,’ said the peacock.

‘Very beautiful,’ said the man. ‘Amazing. Did you say there was an oasis around here?’

‘Mmm,’ said the peacock, brushing up against him.  ‘I think – yes. You should find one beyond those rocks there.’

‘Thank you!’ said the man.  He hurried around to the far side of the rocks.  But all he found was…

‘Eeek!’

‘Good afternoon,’ said the vulture. ‘Did you want directions?’

‘Eeek!’ said the man again.  He ran a very long way.  He was scared and thirsty and also angry with the peacock, who had been so stupid as to tell him there was an oasis when there wasn’t.

But when he stopped and felt in his pockets he realised that the peacock had not been stupid after all.  His mobile had gone; and with it, his GPS.

He saw a lyrebird, with wonderful pale feathers and a long tail.

‘Help!’ he gasped.  ‘I need a hotel. But I’m lost and the peacock stole my phone and I think the vultures are going to eat me!’

​‘There, there,’ said the lyre bird. She had a lovely, silky voice and put a reassuring wing around his shoulder.

‘Just on the other side of these dunes you will find a really top-class hotel. They’ll have everything you need.’

The man set off at a crawl.  After a bit he remembered to stop and check his pockets, but it was too late.  Now his survival pack had gone too. And behind the dunes he found…

‘Eeek!’ said the man, faintly.

‘Good evening.’ The vulture’s beak was long and crooked. So were its neck and claws. It watched him from the top of a tall rock, with eyes that did not blink.

‘No! No-n-n-n-no!’ cried the man.  ‘I’m dying of thirst, and the peacock has stolen my phone, and the lyrebird has taken my survival pack, and the vultures are going to eat meeeeeee!’

‘If you’re looking for directions…’ began the vulture.

‘AAaaaaaargharraagh-uh-uh-uh-weemy-weemy,’ cried the man.

‘…All you need to do is climb up here…’ said the vulture.

‘AAAAGGGHHHHHAARRRGH-HA-HA-HA-OOOOOEEEE!!!!’

‘…And you’ll see there’s …’

‘Don’t touch me!’ cried the man.  ‘I know your kind! And I haven’t got anything left to steal anyway!’

He crawled off at high speed, desperate to get away from the terrible-looking bird.

He was so desperate, in fact, that he failed to notice the steep ravine with rocks at the bottom into which he fell and broke his neck.

‘Oh, that’s a shame,’ said the second vulture, gliding effortlessly to perch beside her friend on the rock.

‘He’d nearly made it, too,’ said the third, joining them.

The first vulture cast a sorrowful glance over his shoulder, at the four-lane highway in the distance, the oasis and the grand hotel beside it, which (from where he was sitting) had been plain to see all along.

‘It’s so sad. I really thought I was getting through to him.’

They sat in a glum little row on the top of their rock, looking down at the body in the ravine.

‘I wonder if he’s got a kidney donor card.’

‘Actually I hope he hasn’t. There was a bit of a misunderstanding when I tried to deliver them last time…’

‘Still,’ said the first vulture, leaning forward a little.  ‘Perhaps we should go and see? He does look untidy there, doesn’t he?’

And – he couldn’t help it – his beak dribbled just a little.

Vultures are tidy birds: very, very helpful.

But they are vultures, after all.

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